The following is courtesy of www.caribbeannews.com
Toll Booth Collector In Jamaica
You have probably heard that they will be putting toll booths on parts of Highway 2000 in JA. This is probably what the first day will be like:
Toll Booth Collector: Morning sir, the toll will be $55.
Skinny the Taximan: $55 unda yuh Mumma! Yuh know how long mi a drive pon dis yah road yah and now oonu want come charge man fi drive pon we owna road. Is kill oonu want kill off
poor people! Mi naw pay dat!
TB Collector: Sir, you don't have a choice, please pay the toll or I'll be forced to call the officer standing right over there.
Skinny: Which officer yuh a talk bout? Weh part him deh?
TB Collector: Yuh see the officer standing over there with the gold-teeth, the dark glasses, the bend-up face, and the M-16? Yes dat same one?
Skinny: Awhoah. A just choo mi car overload and mi nuh want di ugly police bwoy come say nuttn to mi ennuh. Otherwise mi >wouldn't pay yuh a cent. Oonu is ole tief and ole vampire come fi suck out poor people blood.
TB Collector: Next!
Rambo the Minivan Driver: Excuse mi Mam, but mi nuh really understand this whole toll ting yah ennuh. Is why we haffi a pay toll when wi done arready pay motor vehicles taxes and all kinda other taxes?
TB Collector: I cant really answer that question for you sir. Please send a letter to your MP or Councillor and let them deal with that...in the meantime yuh need to pay the toll of $165.
Rambo: But what a gal facety doah eeh? Old country tuff face >gal, mi was just asking yuh a simple question. Yuh Mumma never teach yuh how fi chat to people? But a wonder a who dis likkle dry up gal a come tek fi likkle bwoy doah sah? If a wasn't in a good mood dis mawning yuh see...
TB Collector: Sir are you going to pay the toll or should I call Office Trigger Happy to come talk to you?
Rambo: (Throws the money at her) See di money deh!! Nyam it! Yuh face bend up like backa hog!
Passengers in the Minivan: (Gal go s**k yuh Mumma!)(Go jooce yuh Puppa)(Batti gal doan come a Spanish Town mek mi see yuh!)(Old lesbian!)
TB Collector: Next!
Kenny Smooth, the Escalade Driver: Hey baby...yuh like my car?
TB Collector: That's a large SUV, okay sir the toll on that will be $110.
Kenny: Is how yuh a mek it look a way so baby? Talk to mi Sweetie. What time yuh get off, I could wait for yuh and take you for a spin in the Escalade here. Yeah, mi see di likkle smile a creep up pon yuh face. Smile man, mi know yuh want smile! Talk di truth, you've been dying to ride in one of these nuh true? It have nuff leg room for your nice long sexy legs. Comfortable leather seats and a banging 5-CD stereo system!
TB Collector: (Smiling) Listen to me, your mouth is too sweet. Is so yuh lyrics off every woman yuh meet, nuh true? Anway, mi coulda never talk to yuh sound too girly, girly. Plus is 8:00 o'clock ina di morning and I don't get off 'til 4:00 this evening.
Kenny: (flashing his smile, gold teeth everywhere) Arright, then I'll come back round about 4:00 come pick yuh up, seen!
TB Collector: I don't know...I'll see, why don't yuh give me your cell number and I'll call.
Kenny: Listen, my cell is in the cellshop and them nuh get di parts from farin yet, you gimme your number. (She writes the number on a piece of paper)
TB Collector: Look di people dem blowing dem horn, so yuh have to pay di toll and gwan through.
Kenny: Do mi a favor nuh...yuh can pay di toll fi mi and when mi come back fi pick yuh up later mi pay yuh back. Mi have one Nanny and mi nuh want bruk it.
TB Collector: But see yah...then is how yuh a drive big Jeep and nuh have no money. (Grabs her phone number back from his hand.) Look here likkle bruk pocket bwoy, try go carry back people vehicle go gi dem and pay di da-mn toll and galong bout yuh business. Pauperizing no r**s!
TB Collector: Next!
Uncle Hector the Tractor Trailer Driver: (Blowing his truck horns at Kenny in front of him) CRATCHES! Pis-sn tail cratches! Stop look front from di money collector woman and hurry up and galong through di blasted toll booth. Man deh pon borrow time right yah now. Move man! Move!
TB Collector: Thank you sir. That will be $165 for the big rig. Uncle Hector: (Managing to pull his eyes away from the womans breast) Yuh is a nice looking lady yuh know. Back ina my prime I would love to runkus a woman like you. (Grins, showing his 4 remaining brown tobacco-stained teeth.)
TB Collector: Thanks for the compliment, but I only date men who were born in this century and have all a dem teeth!
TB Collector: Next!
Prudence the Business Executive: (pulling up in her Benz) Excuse me! Am I to understand that there is a different weight class and corresponding toll for each vehicle, and if so are there any exceptions been made for luxury cars such as mine? 'Cause you know I have traveled the world, and the toll system in other countries...
TB Collector: Look here Ms. Word Traveler, di da-mn toll is $55 fi yuh cyar. If yuh too bruk fi pay it mi undastan. Cause some a oonu when oonu start get old and oonu cratches start dryup, and man stop mind oonu, oonu still a gwaan like oonu all dat
Prudence: Well, I never! How rude! Do you know who my husband is?
TB Collector: Probably one a di man dem who a pick up wh-ore a town and carry dem a motel a Portmore go ketch gonorrhea...when yuh feeling yuh strange itching and scratching and yuh get stressed out doan come tek it out pon people out a road! Go tek it put pon yuh husband! Fifty-five dollars please, yuh holding up di line! Thanks!
TB Collector: Next! Oliver, the Village Idiot: (Walking up to the toll booth). Is oomuch fi pay fi walk through di gate Mam?
TB Collector: Oliver, you don't have to pay to walk through, but be careful walking on the highway and nuh mek none a dem mad driver yah lick yuh wid dem vehicle. Okay!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Feisty rass claat parrot
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat and is surprised to find a large purple parrot occupying the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and shortly thereafter a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The Flight Attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "You lazy bum, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, bitch," says the man, "get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. A moment later, she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man: "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
The Flight Attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "You lazy bum, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, bitch," says the man, "get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. A moment later, she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man: "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
Friday, July 07, 2006
France vs. Italy
Billions will watch with anticipation on Sunday, as football Giants France and Italy battle for the World Cup.
In my predictions during Germany '06, I was was wrong on Argentina vs. Germany, and on Brazil v France.
Should I stick my neck out one more time. Hell yes. Nothing to lose, not even ego.
France, I think will relieve the Chianti warriors from any bother of taking that cup back to Rome, or Milan or wherever they were thinking of.
Lets see if that is right.
Who do you like? Don't worry if your favorites are already out. Join the club, my faves, Brazil, are out, and they are still my number 1.
Comment with your votes - France or Italy?
In my predictions during Germany '06, I was was wrong on Argentina vs. Germany, and on Brazil v France.
Should I stick my neck out one more time. Hell yes. Nothing to lose, not even ego.
France, I think will relieve the Chianti warriors from any bother of taking that cup back to Rome, or Milan or wherever they were thinking of.
Lets see if that is right.
Who do you like? Don't worry if your favorites are already out. Join the club, my faves, Brazil, are out, and they are still my number 1.
Comment with your votes - France or Italy?
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Brazil, sorry, see you next time.
I was unhappy to see Brazil depart yesterday, although I have always knows that Henry was dangerous, in fact I was saying that in the days before the match.
I am however elated with England's departure, whoever it is that was heroic enough to remove them, Portugal's penalties in this instance.
Looking forward to the Semi's - tell me, who do you like? Dr. D likes Germany, I know that already. They have to play Italy, I think, and Portugal vs. France - who do you like.
I know who I like, and that is Italy, but they were unable to beat USA who only had 9 men!
I would say its either Germany or France who will lift that ugly looking but much coveted cup.
Cricket:
West Indies just completed the Indian tour of the Caribbean.
West Indies won the ODI's convincingly, 4-1. Today, India won the test series by winning the only match with a result, 1-0.
This tour by India was an opportunity for those who had time to see that Windies are on the rise again, and like a Phoenix, they will rise from.. well you know the rest.
Denesh Ramdin batted a monster of an innings to day, and the WI were all out, 49 short of the requirement. Anyway, the Windies will not be playing for a while now, so my cricketing content will be reduced, much to the relief of my non-cricketing bloggionistas.
My boys are both fine now, just finishing off the medication. No swimming allowed for them in the mean time - hopefully they can swim next week - they are now on summer holidays and need activities designed to tire them into long bouts of peacecul slumber.
Now it will be time to get back to school shoes, backpacks, lunchkits, socks, and the Lord only knows what else. They are more high maintenance than me. All I need are a few beers an cigars and I am good.
Until the next time, Sayonara.
I am however elated with England's departure, whoever it is that was heroic enough to remove them, Portugal's penalties in this instance.
Looking forward to the Semi's - tell me, who do you like? Dr. D likes Germany, I know that already. They have to play Italy, I think, and Portugal vs. France - who do you like.
I know who I like, and that is Italy, but they were unable to beat USA who only had 9 men!
I would say its either Germany or France who will lift that ugly looking but much coveted cup.
Cricket:
West Indies just completed the Indian tour of the Caribbean.
West Indies won the ODI's convincingly, 4-1. Today, India won the test series by winning the only match with a result, 1-0.
This tour by India was an opportunity for those who had time to see that Windies are on the rise again, and like a Phoenix, they will rise from.. well you know the rest.
Denesh Ramdin batted a monster of an innings to day, and the WI were all out, 49 short of the requirement. Anyway, the Windies will not be playing for a while now, so my cricketing content will be reduced, much to the relief of my non-cricketing bloggionistas.
My boys are both fine now, just finishing off the medication. No swimming allowed for them in the mean time - hopefully they can swim next week - they are now on summer holidays and need activities designed to tire them into long bouts of peacecul slumber.
Now it will be time to get back to school shoes, backpacks, lunchkits, socks, and the Lord only knows what else. They are more high maintenance than me. All I need are a few beers an cigars and I am good.
Until the next time, Sayonara.
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